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Thread: Friday Joke

  1. #1
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    Default Friday Joke

    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby‐looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

    TGIF .
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  2. #2

    Default

    It's Friday - so here goes:


    TRUE STORY FROM "THE CAPE TIMES"

    Recently woman about 65 years old, was out shopping. When she returned to her car, there were 4 black men sitting in it.

    Being the kind of feisty woman who packs a gun for emergencies, she whipped out her piece and yelled "I know how to use it and I'm quite prepared to. Get out!"

    The men were scared witless and bailed. The woman then got into the car and to her confusion, the key wouldn't fit in the ignition. Wrong car. Not hers. Ooops! Realising her little faux pas, she thought she'd better report her mistake at the Hermanus Police Station.

    When she told the officer on duty the story, he wet himself laughing and when he could speak again, he pointed at the 4 terrified black men sitting at the other end of the room.
    Four men who'd just reported being hijacked by an elderly white lady!
    CAPE TIMES

  3. #3
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    Default Scottish Blood

    An Arab Sheik was admitted to a London Hospital for surgery. Due to the Arab's rare blood type, before the surgery, his doctors thought it necessary to ensure some of his blood was available in case the need arose.

    The Arab's blood type couldn't be found locally, so, they extended their search to other countries and finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly obliged by donating his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab thanked the Scotsman by sending him a new BMW, diamonds and a generous gift of money.

    A short while later, the Arab was back in hospital for a complication. His doctor called the Scotsman, who once again was more than happy to donate his blood.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & box of biscuits.

    The Scotsman was a bit shocked that the Arab did not again show his appreciation as he had previously done so he called the Arab and asked him: "I assumed you would be generous again and you give me something of a similar value to a BMW, diamonds and money... but only a thank-you card and some biscuits?"

    The Arab replied: "Aye, but now I have Scottish blood in my veins!
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  4. #4
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    Default

    I know its late but here goes:

    Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone
    Ghosts sit around a campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
    Chuck Norris won American Idol using just only language.
    There used to be a bridge called Chuck Norris, but it had to be changed. No-one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
    A cop once pulled over Chuck Norris. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
    Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead. Its just too damn scared to move.
    Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
    Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. The Grim Reaper doesn't have the courage to tell him.
    Chuck Norris once ran the Boston marathon backwards just too see what second place looked like.
    Chuck Norris can paste something before he copies it.
    Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing underwear on the outside of his pants.
    Death once had a Chuck Norris experience.
    Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a uni-cycle.
    Chuck Norris once complete a 500 piece puzzle with only 300 pieces.

    Thanks Marius
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    Default

    Gatiep just doesn't seem to have any luck with getting a steady girlfriend. All his friends are married and building families. Gatiep dates and dates and dates.
    His friend, Petrus noticing his friends dejection, encourages him by sayings "hang in there bro, you'll find a perfect chick soon man". Gatiep is not convinced.
    A few weeks later they meet again and nothing has changed.
    "Ag no man, what the problem with you man?" asks Petrus.
    "Eish man, every girl I get, my ma has problem with" says Gatiep.
    "Use your head bro," says Petrus "just get a girl who is exactly like your ma, man".
    "Eish, why didn't I think of that" says Gatiep.
    A few weeks later they meet. "So bro, how goes it with the chicks man?" asks Petrus.
    "Hey man, I did what you said found a chick just like my ma. My mom schemes she is just A1 and is crazy about her".
    "I told you broer, I know all their is to know about chicks and stuff" says Petrus, "so when are you guys making it legal then?"
    "Nah, I had to break up with her" says Gatiep.
    "Whaaat, are you crazy dude. Do you know how scarce chicks like this are?" says Petrus.
    "Ja I know man, but now my father doesn't like her".
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  6. #6
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    Default

    Chuck Norris' prostate is used to examine doctor's fingers

    Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

    When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.

    Chuck Norris found page 404.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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    Default Computer Jokes

    There was once a young man who expressed a desire to become a great writer.*When he was asked to define "Great" he said,*"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"*
    He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

    I have just loaded Microsoft's latest Helicopter Simulator on to my PC ... but it keeps crashing ...'

    The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

    I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

    If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

    If at first you do succeed, you can only be Chuck Norris

    I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

    More @ http://www.jokes-best.com/
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    Default Is She Ok?

    Its been a long time since I had a real good laugh, but my 3 year old grandson had me rolling on the floor with this one.

    To understand the punchline it needs to be understood that his father is a pilot (in Dubai) and an avid radio controlled plane enthusiast. Much like his father the 3 year old is car, plane and helicopter crazy. Not in the normal sense, but in the really crazy sense. Every allowable time on the PC, is spent on his dad's USB connected radio control flight simulator. The device uses a real control, but the planes and helicopters etc. are obviously screen driven.

    His Christmas gift was an actual radio controlled helicopter, which he is mastered in a few short hours. At Christmas time being only 2 years and 9 months this was a really mean feat. Most adults can't master the helicopter controls, ever.

    Being a typical 3 year old who is unable to sit still for more than just a few seconds, he graced us with his presence for a few short minutes during our weekly Skype call. Our conversation went something like this:

    Hey Ciaran, how are you?
    Fine.
    What have you been doing today?
    Just playing.
    What are you going to do this afternoon?
    I am going to visit a friend.
    That sounds great. What's his name?
    Its a girl and her name is Bella.
    Oh wow, that sounds great. How is she, is she ok?
    Well, she's good, but she's not that good
    What do you mean, she's not that good?
    Well she can't land a plane.

    Go figure .
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    Default Golfers Aid

    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.*Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.*

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."*"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.*

    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.*She then asked him, "How does that feel?"*To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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    Default No Dogs Allowed

    A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.*The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."*"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."*The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.

    He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."*

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

    http://www.cleanjoke.com
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  11. #11
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    Default

    The Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply possible alternate meanings for various words. The following are some of the winning entries ...

    Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
    Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk
    Willy-nilly--adj., impotent
    Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained
    Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
    Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp
    Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash
    Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver
    Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon
    Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller
    Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline
    Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam
    Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers
    Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you
    Marionettes--n., residents of a local city, who have been jerked around by the Mayor
    Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
    Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts
    Frisbatarianism--n., belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck

    On this last word, which I just had to Google:

    It appears that the Washington Post did not do their research on the word Frisbeetarianism. Frisbeetarianism, as it is listed in the contest, is not a common word and the meaning was not conceived by a reader. While the word may have been supplied by a reader, it was coined and defined by the late comedian George Carlin as, "the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." Thus the meaning listed in the contest is not an alternate meaning, it is the original meaning.
    Go figure .
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  12. #12
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    Default

    Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

    During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:

    "You're all part of our team now.

    You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat.

    So don't trouble the other employees".

    The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

    Four weeks later the boss says:

    "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. however One of our female developers has disappeared.

    Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

    After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:

    "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

    One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL!

    For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed.

    So from now on please don't eat any person who is working."
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  13. #13
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    Default

    haaaaaaaa...... What a funny joke

  14. #14
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    Default The Truth Hurts

    A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

    "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? " Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

    "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

    "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?

    "Yeah, but " stammered the farmer.

    "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

    "Yes," Replied the farmer.

    Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.

    "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

    "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling.

    "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him? "
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  15. #15
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    Default

    The English dictionary has been unable to adequately explain any difference between the two English words "COMPLETE and FINISHED".
    Opinions differ vastly and some suggest there is absolutely no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, however modern day society has revealed a definite distinction between the 2 words.
    When a man marries the right woman, he is COMPLETE, but if he marries the wrong woman, he is FINISHED.
    Should your right wife catch you with another woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED and when your wife is caught with your credit card, You are FINISHED COMPLETELY.
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  16. #16
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    Default

    WARNING about Shampoo!!!
    I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before!!! I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down all over my whole body. Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY. No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!
    Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead. Its label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem solved!
    If I don't answer the phone.... I'll be in the shower!

  17. #17
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    Default

    It's too much funny, keep it up.

  18. #18
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    Default

    Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

    The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. 'Your Holiness' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world'.

    The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, 'Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?' 'None who plays golf very well,' a Cardinal replied. 'But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match.'

    Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 'This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,' said the golfer.

    'Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus, 'said the Pope.

    'Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.'

    'How can there be bad news?' the Pope asked.

    Nicklaus sighed, 'I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.'

    http://www.jollygoodjokes.com
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  19. #19
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    Default Almost Perfect Life

    An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

    The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

    The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

    The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
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  20. #20
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    Default

    As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

    "Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

    "I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

    He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

    "I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

    "You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

    Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

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